Five Minute Exercise for Speaking Your Value

I share a quick and fun exercise for crafting your unique value statement so you can negotiate with power and poise. I also offer my free script “How To Ask For A Big Pay Raise”.

Click here to download the free script.

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Full Podcast Transcript: 

Hello! Welcome to the tenth episode of Born to Thrive with Jamie Lee. I am your host, Jamie Lee. I work as a coach, speaker, trainer and I believe that we are all born to thrive. And I want to help you thrive. I want to help you close your wage gap.

If you write me an email at jamie@jamieleecoach.com, I will send you my script on how to ask for a big pay raise. This script is based on a real life scenario. I will call my client Karina for the purpose of this podcast. And Karina, she used this script, a version of this script, to ask and get a 44% increase in her salary with stock options. So this script worked for her, and if you are somebody who contributes undeniable value at work but is underpaid for the value you bring, I think this script can help you. So please write me at jamie@jamieleecoach.com (or click here to download the script).

Lately, I’ve been working on my own website. I was working with She Negotiates for the past year and a half, and I have decided to strike out on my own as a leadership and negotiation coach for ambitious women.

So, today I’ve been working on crafting my own unique value statements. If you listened to the previous episode, you would know that articulating your unique value is the first key practice for negotiation success.

What is your unique value?

Today I had to ask that to myself many times over, and I just come back to this over and over again: that I am here to help other people maximize their potential so that they can thrive. So that other people can thrive.

I really believe in serving others. I believe in making a contribution. I believe in doing work that has meaning, that is bigger than myself, and I’m really excited to do the work that I do, and I hope that you are excited, too. If you want to work on your unique value proposition statement, I have a really quick and fun exercise that I shared with Smith College alums on Monday night that I’d love to share with you.

So, here’s the exercise: Grab a piece of paper and pen. I’ll wait. If you have a piece of paper or if you are on your smartphone, if you can open your Notes app while you’re listening to this, do it. You’re going to make some very simple lists, and then at the end of it, you’re going to distill what you learn from this exercise into a succinct and cogent statement of your unique value. 

So, here’s the first list: What are you most proud of? What are you most proud of accomplishing in the past year, past month, past quarter? Don’t think too hard about this, just whatever comes up, write it down. Write as many as you can fit. And try to be specific, and if you have facts and figures, all the better. 

Then the second list is: What do you stand for? What are your values? And if you do have a specific negotiation conversation, and for the purpose of clarity, negotiation is simply a conversation where you’re trying to reach an agreement. So if you’re trying to get somebody to agree with you, and if you know them, what do they stand for? And what do they stand against? And what do you stand against? If you stand for something, then you’re definitely against some other things, right? So, just write those things, and compare your list against the things that you know the other side, your negotiation counterpart, also stands for or also stands against. In other words, find where you share values. So, that’s a list. 

And then the third list is where you can go really crazy. Crazy imaginative. What are you capable of? What is your future potential?

In the last episode, we talked briefly about how us women, we don’t always get rewarded for our future potential as much as men do.

This is something that Dr. Johanna Barsh found out in her gender research, and something that Sheryl Sandberg also talked about in her book, Lean In.

What is your future potential? What are you capable of? What’s possible? Be as imaginative as you can be. Don’t hold yourself back by the voice of the Itty Bitty Shouldy Committee that tells you, “Who do you think you are?!” If you can quiet that voice down, and just let yourself imagine all the things that you can do, what’s possible?

Okay, so now you have three lists.

The first is things that you are proud of having accomplished.

Second is the list of your values, and if you have a negotiation counterpart, and you do know them, and if you do know what they stand for or what they stand against, then you also know where you share values with the other side. So this is really important and useful.

Third, you have a list of your potential, your future potential. What can you do? What kind of leader can you be?

And finally, now that you have drawn this exhaustive list, I want you to distill the common themes, the key themes, the things that just keep popping up over and over again in terms of your proud accomplishments, your values, and what you are capable of and want to achieve. 

You’re going to distill this into one specific statement that goes like this: I _______________ , and this blank is an active verb, so that _____________________. 

I drive partnerships so that we can exceed our goals.
I connect the dots for our donors so that they can see the tremendous value that we deliver to our constituents.
I teach negotiation skills so that women can lead, influence and thrive. 

So those were three specific examples. I’d love to know what you come up with when you do this exercise. This was really fun to do in person earlier this week, when I led a negotiation workshop in Philadelphia. When people did this exercise and they got to share it with each other, there was this great sense of empowerment. They were like, “Yeah! This is what I’m capable of, and this is my unique value!”

And then, the second part to this is dovetailing it with your reasonably ambitious ask. So the unique value statement, if it is cogent, if it is to the point, if it is relevant to the listener, then what you accomplish by speaking your unique value statement is framing for mutual benefit. And then you can dovetail it with your ask by saying, “And that’s why I believe I deserve the high end of the going market rates, and that is $150,000.” Or whatever you want to ask for.

So to wrap this up, I hope that this quick and fun exercise helps you clarify your unique value, and helps you negotiate with confidence and power so that you can thrive. Thank you!
 

What are the 5 Key Practices for Negotiation Success?

Negotiation skills are leadership skills.

Conscious leadership and value-creating negotiation both require self-awareness, learning agility, communication and influence.

I share my definition of negotiation and five key practices for negotiation success.

Enjoy!

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Full Episode Transcript:

Hello! Welcome to the eighth episode of Born to Thrive with Jamie Lee. I am your host, Jamie Lee. I work as a negotiation and leadership coach for ambitious women. I believe that we are all born to thrive.

I looked up the definition of the word thrive in the dictionary, and it said it means to grow with vigor. I looked up the word vigor, and vigor means vitality, life force, energy.

The word thrive kind of makes you think of something really happy and joyful, but for some reason I keep confusing the word vigor with rigor. It might be because English is my second language, I don’t know, but I got curious and I looked up rigor, too.

Rigor is harshness. Something difficult. Constraints. It kind of makes sense to me that to thrive requires both vigor and rigor. Yes, you need life force. Yes, you need energy. But you also need to overcome something difficult. You need rigor in order to truly thrive. 

I say that because negotiation is difficult for a lot of people. We’d rather not do it. We’d rather avoid it. We’d rather resist it. Or we’d rather approach it with this attitude of defensiveness, anger, righteousness. We put up a fight.

I don’t think this is really constructive. I also don’t think that negotiation is a fight. Negotiation is not about manipulation, confrontation. It’s simply a conversation. A conversation where everyone has the right to say no. A conversation where we try to come to an agreement. That is it. That is my definition of negotiation. That means we negotiate all the time, for little things, big things.

Who’s gonna do the dishes? What are we gonna do for dinner? How are we going to resolve peace, how are we going to come to peace in the Korean peninsula? These are all negotiations, and we have been engaging in these conversations ever since we were able to say the word “No,” ever since we were able to express our desire for autonomy, for self-expression, when we were either one and a half or two years old or for some people three years old.

So, whatever your age is, subtract two from it and that’s how long you have been practicing, that’s how long you have been negotiating for what you want. 

I believe that negotiation is a leadership skill, and so every time I teach negotiation, I start with, “What kind of leader do you want to be?” Next Monday, I have the great privilege of leading a hands-on, interactive negotiation workshop for Smith alums in Philadelphia, and for that workshop, I prepared a one-sheet with five key practices for negotiation success, and I thought, “You know, why not share it with my podcast audience?”

So, a quick preamble here. There’s a wonderful book called The Fifteen Commitments of Conscious Leadership, and it says there are four core competencies of conscious leadership, and I find that these four core competencies are also the core competencies of value-creating, problem-solving negotiation. I learned this from Lisa Gates at She Negotiates, my business mentor, and I think it’s phenomenal, because it really teaches you what you need to bring in order to have problem-solving, value-creating, negotiation conversations. 

So the four competencies are: 

Number one: Self-awareness. Are you aware of your skills, your strengths, your qualities, your tendencies, your conflict style, your communication style? The more you know, the better you will handle, the better you will manage yourself in and throughout the negotiation process.

Number two: Learning agility. The goal of negotiation is to 1) gather information, and 2) influence the behavior of others. So, throughout the conversation, you want to be learning and learning in different ways. So, improving your learning agility will really help you negotiate with success.

Number three: Communication. Negotiation is simply a communication discipline. It’s a communication with a goal, right? So, how do you communicate? You listen. You express yourself. You reflect on what you’ve heard and you try to express your desires so that it is receptive to the listener. Much earlier in this podcast series, I think it was Episode 3, when I talked about the traps of perfectionism, I talked about how there are four elements within communication: What you want to say, how you say it, what people hear, and what they make it mean. So, that’s communication.

Number four: Influence. You want to influence the other’s behavior in a negotiation, right? You want them to say yes* (In the podcast, I say "no," but I mean "yes." Mea Culpa.) or you want them to change their minds if they’re saying no. The thing about influence is it’s not about telling people what to do and in negotiation it’s not always a debate where you want to prove yourself right and prove the other person wrong. Real influence doesn’t work like that, because real influence is when you have an indirect impact on the other person’s perception, decision making process, and in which they feel that they have come to the decision on their own. So, it’s not about telling people what to do. That’s not negotiation, that’s making demands. It’s not about proving the other side wrong. That’s debate, right? It’s really about influencing. In order to influence, you really need to be able to put yourself in the shoes of the other, see their perspective, and of course that requires empathy.

So, I will wrap this up with, as I mentioned earlier, the five key practices of negotiation success, and what I would like to do in the subsequent episodes is go a little bit deeper into each of the key practices. 

So, number one: the first key practice of negotiation success is to articulate your value so that they see the value of you as a benefit to them. 

Number two: build your alliance. Lisa Gates calls it building your influence posse. I love that. Reaching out to your network. Identifying who are champions who can advocate for you, allies who will go to bat for you, and influencers who will create inroads with the key decision-maker in this negotiation. 

Number three: dig and listen deeply. I know there are a lot of combative negotiators who feel like the point of negotiation is simply to get more than the other side, and it’s all about me, just let me make my point, and I am right. No. Real negotiation happens when you listen and dig deeper into the hidden interests of the other side. 

Number four: anchor first and anchor high. Really good, masterful negotiators understand the magic of telling people what you want and dropping that anchor. It’s a cognitive bias that can work towards your favor.

Number five: get genuine buy-in. That’s what I was talking about earlier when I explained influence. It’s not about telling people what to do, that’s making demands. It’s not about proving other people wrong, that’s debating. Negotiation and true influence is when the other side come to see your point of view, and the other side come to decide for themselves to go along with your proposal. So that’s real, genuine buy-in. It’s how you really get through to people and connect.

I’m really excited about going deeper into these key practices with you in the subsequent episodes, and I hope that you have a wonderful day where you thrive. Talk to you soon!
 

How to Listen with Respect So You Can Get Respect

Listening - true, heart-to-heart listening - is so rare these days.

That's why when you master the three levels of listening, you'll become influential, respected and magnetic to the people you engage with. 

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Transcript:

The three levels of listening is a transformational concept that really changed everything for me, as a coach, trainer and as a person who relates to other people. I learned this concept from Co-Active Coach Training, and you can read about it in their book Co-Active Coaching. 

If you want to become an influential leader and if you want to create durable agreements as the outcome of your negotiations, you need to listen. 

Listening - true, heart-to-heart listening - is so rare these days. Therefore it is highly valued. People will respect you. People will be drawn to you. People will come to agree with you if you listen well. 

Level 1 - Me Me Me

You're probably very familiar with this level. We all are. Basically, it's when you listen while thinking, "How does this relate to ME?" "What smart thing can I say to impress the other person?" "How can I interrupt?" "How can I make MY point?"

"How can I talk about ME, ME, ME?" 

It's when people are kinda listening - but not really - and really they're just waiting for their turn to speak. 

I'd say about 95% of the time we're listening at level 1. I think it's because we all want to be heard so badly. The need to be heard keeps us at the most basic level of listening, at level 1. 

The thing is, listening is like respect. You don't get listened to by forcing your point on other people. You get listened to when you listen to other people. Like how you get respect by giving respect. 

Level 2 - Curious and Listening into the Heart of the Other 

It's when you're not just listening to the words, but you're also curious about the emotion behind the words. You're curious about what's not being said. You're curious about the connection between what IS being said and HOW it is being said. 

So you're not just listening with your ears. You're taking in the speaker with your senses, with your eyes.

I once read that 90% of the information that the brain processes is visual. 

That's why when you communicate, you want to communicate in such a way that your facial expression and body language are dovetailing what you're saying. 

Often we feel one way but say another. If someone asks me, "Will you go to the movies with me?" and I respond with reluctance in my voice, you can probably tell that I don't actually want to go to the movies. 

So how do you engage the other side when you're listening at level two? It's really good to clarify and confirm what you're hearing and seeing. Is there a connection? Or is there a disconnect? What is the underlying emotion? 

Start with sentences that start with "It seems that..." "I hear that..." or "It sounds like..." And then you invite the speaker to clarify or confirm by asking, "Where am I wrong?" 

To go back to the movies scenario, if someone asks me, "Will you go to the movies with me?" and I respond, "Sure...," and if they were actually curious and listening at level two, they may respond by saying, "Hmm... It sounds like from the tone of your voice that you're not all that excited about the idea of going to the movies. Where am I wrong?" 

To which, I might say, "You know, you're not wrong. I'm not all that excited about going to the movies, I'd much rather stay home and read my magazine." Now we have understanding.  

Listening at level two and asking, "Where am I wrong?" is a powerful strategy that I recommend for both conflict resolution and negotiation.

Listening at level two is powerful, because it will help you gather information, understand the other side, and create a bond. When there is a bond and the other side feels they've actually been heard, transformations can happen. 

Level 3 - Global Listening, Reading the Room 

Influential people are adept at level three listening. Stand-up comedians, public speakers, CEOs - people who are in tune with what is going on in the room - listen at level three. They ask, "What is here right now, in this room?"

In the Co-Active Coaching book, the authors described level three listening as "listening to the radio waves."

That's a really cool metaphor. But how do you listen to the radio waves? I mean, they're silent. 

I think what the authors are referring to is the ability to intuit what's going on. You feel the radio waves with your intuition. 

How do you communicate this? How do you know that you're listening at level three? 

It's not very hard, actually. 

Let me give you a vivid example. 

I've been watching "Queer Eye" on Netflix, and I notice that every episode starts with the Fab Five - the five gay guys who are going to transform and make over a straight guy - going into the straight guy's house. They have this rambunctious, high-energy interaction where they are going through the straight guy's closet, trying on his clothes, making funny comments, and being goofy. 

So what's going on in that room? What is the level of energy in that room? 

I'd say it's high energy. It's playful, funny, a little uncomfortable, and awkward for the straight guy. There's a bit of tension but it's also really fun to watch. 

If you were in that room, how would you feel the energy and how would you articulate it? 

Then at the end of the episode, the Fab Five do what coaches would call acknowledgement. They sit down with the straight guy. They say, "Okay, so this is the last conversation. We want you to know that you're beautiful inside. You are powerful. You can do this. You are capable of change." 

Often what happens is that there is open vulnerability. There is real love in that room. I get the chills just thinking about it. Every time I watch that segment in the show, it brings me to tears. 

What's going on in that room? There is love. There is this melting of the hearts. You can see it. You can feel it. You know it. 

Today, I challenge you to check in with yourself when you're engaged in conversation or when you are in a room full of people. Are you engaged in level one or level two?

Then tap into your level three and into your intuition. Ask yourself, "What's going on in this room? Is there high energy? Is it low? Is it anxious? What's going on?" 

You will realize that you are capable of listening at a higher level, and when you tap into that you'll become a more influential person. People will feel that they've been heard and that they've been respected. And when people feel that they've been respected, they will respect you.

How to Speak to Impact Social Change

This is a recap of the advocacy workshop I led for Global Network of Women Peace-builders to an audience of feminist activists who gathered for the 62nd Commission on the Status of Women at U.N.

The lessons are

1. Connect with your Why; Connect with your Fire

2. Don’t Force; Guide the Listener to a New Understanding

3. Tell Compelling Stories; Share Your Story. 

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Transcript:

Yesterday I had the awesome privilege of leading an advocacy workshop with Global Network of Women Peacebuilders for feminist activists who have gathered from around the world to attend the 62nd Commission on the Status of Women at the UN. 

Wow. It was a great privilege for me, and today I am thriving because I have three reasons.

1. I get to share some of the amazing stories that I have heard with you. I get to tell stories.
2. I have a roof over my head right now. I’m drinking a delicious cup of ginger lemon tea, and no one is shooting bullets at me. I’m really privileged to have a peaceful existence, and I am grateful for that. I am thriving.
3. I get to do something that I really love. I love coaching, I love speaking, and I love training, and I got to do all of it yesterday. So, I feel really grateful, deeply privileged, and so I want to share some of the lessons with you, because you know what? I wish you could have been there. It was so fun.

I'll share top three lessons that I shared with the Global Network of Women Peacebuilders, feminist activists, who want to impact change. Let me guess - 

You also want to communicate, advocate, negotiate so that you can impact change for the better in your life, in your career, in your world. 

What are the top three lessons? 

1. Connect with your why or connect with your fire. 

2. Don’t force, but guide, and make it easy to follow. 

3. Tell compelling stories and share you with the world.

First, Connect with your why.

To give you an idea of what my workshops are like, I will tell you how it started. I introduced myself, and then I asked the crowd, “Why are you here?”

There was this kind of an awkward pause. The activists looked at each other. They’re like, “Uh, to promote gender equality. Duh!”

And I said, “Why is gender equality important?” 

Another person in the audience said, “It’s important because everyone deserves a right to a peaceful existence.”

So I said, “Ah, that’s a pretty compelling reason!”

And she added,

“It’s not just about gender. It’s not just about women. It’s about the potential of our future generation. It’s about the potential of women and men, so that they can live full, rich lives not constricted by gender roles, expectations.”

Wow. Yeah. That’s a good reason. That’s a great why. 

I asked the audience to really vividly picture the impact that their speaking will have on the audience.

I asked them, "What is the transformation that you want to create with your speaking, with your communication?"

When we got down to it, this metaphor bubbled up. It’s like lighting a candle. One of the activists from Moldova, she said that somebody who had listened to her speak on the topic of gender equality told her it was as if a candle was lit within her after hearing the speaker. And that’s exactly it, isn’t it? 

Yesterday, I briefly talked about the four elements of communication, so to quickly recap, it’s number one: what you mean, or your purpose, your sense of desire to change the world, right? You see it in your mind’s eye really clearly, what is possible. And you want to communicate it, because you have passion for this possible change. Number two: how you say it, how you express that fire. Number three: people hear it. Number four: how they interpret what they heard and what they make it mean. 

And so when she said that this person had told her it was if a candle had been lit, she had succeeded in the transference of the fire. She helped this person feel and connect with the fire within her.

That fire, that passion for change is the purpose. That's the leadership purpose of these women who want to speak up, who want to advocate on behalf of women whose voices are not being heard at the negotiating table, or in the halls of power where these big international policies are being written. 

So, what is your fire?

What is the vision you have in your mind’s eye of what is possible? I really want you to connect with that.

If you have trouble articulating it, just ask yourself why? Why is this important? Why do you feel compelled to share this? And keep asking why until you get to a reason that is super compelling.

Everyone wants peaceful existence. Everyone deserves a right to live their full potential. And I thought that was a really compelling reason. And that is what drives these women peacebuilders to go out there and face criticism, even face violence and opposition, in some parts of the world to continue to speak up so that they can impact change.

So, number one: connect with your why. Connect with your fire.

Quick anecdote: for me, when I connect with my fire, when I feel like yes, this is my purpose and I am speaking my truth, I have the chills. So there are tells when you’re super clear on your why, when you’re connecting with that fire, you will know. And only you will know. So, whatever your tell is, trust it.

Second, don’t force, guide. Make it easy to follow.

What do I mean by this?

Yesterday, when I had the audience envision the impact they’re making with their speaking, one of the activists said she wants to force people to see the truth of the atrocities that are being committed against women around the world, especially women in conflict areas.

Did you know that there was armed conflict in Armenia? I had no idea. Did you know that there’s still a war in Ukraine? I’m sorry, I didn’t know, but I learned yesterday.

So she wants people to see it, accept it, and take accountability. I understand her passion and her outrage is justified, however it’s not very effective communication because people are not going to do what you tell them to do.

People are not going to change their minds, they’re not going to change their hearts because you are right, because you know so much, because you are so impressive.

People are going to change their minds, change their hearts and take action because they have decided for themselves that this is the right thing to do, and this is the right time to act on it.

The job of effective communication isn’t to force people to take a point of view, it’s to guide them, and it’s to aid in their changing of their minds. 

How do you do this? Really simple. Tell compelling stories. Ask questions, it gets their minds engaged. Make eye contact. Literally connect with the audience.

Make your speech, or your communication, really easy to follow. Tell them what you’re going to tell them, organize it into three digestible chunks, tell them the three things and count it off: one, two three. Summarize what you said, and then finally make a compelling call to action.

These women from around the world, they had really impressive recommendations on how to impact social change at the local level, national level, international level. How do we get journalists involved? How do we make the promise of the U.N., which is to promote gender equality, how do we make that promise a reality?

They had some really concrete but also very technical recommendations, so I challenged each and every one of them to just organize it into top three points that they want to make. Tell people, “I have an idea and these are three reasons why this idea is valid, and here is my recommendation.”

Third, Tell Compelling Stories

Once you have grabbed their attention and have guided, not forced, a point of view on them, the most effective and powerful way to have people empathize and see your point of view is to tell compelling stories.

In a story, there are three basic components. There is a character, there is conflict, there is resolution or lessons learned. Yesterday I heard some really mind-blowing stories. 

Take for example:

Imagine that you are a 16 year-old girl born in a rural area in Congo. Imagine that at 16, you’re sold off to be married to a strange man. And imagine that you have three kids. And imagine that every day, with a baby strapped to your back, you have to go out into the field and do farm work, and your husband does not help with that farm work. Your husband does not help with any household work. He doesn’t feel that he needs to, he feels justified, because he paid money to marry you. You don’t have a right to own land. You don’t have a right to inheritance, so when your husband passes away, you have nothing.

How would you feel?  

This was one of the many stories I heard yesterday.

Did you see this woman in your mind’s eye? Did you feel the hot sun on your back as you’re working in the field?

Did you feel something inside? I hope you did. I don’t want you to feel bad. I’m just trying to convey to you the power of storytelling. And this is what I shared with the crowd yesterday. 

Another thing I shared with them is, don’t be afraid to share stories about you.

These are really smart, really accomplished women, humanitarian workers and lawyers. At the U.N., they feel like they have to be perfect, that they have to impress people with their knowledge, with their professionalism and their activism.

When you are communicating a message, you are the conduit.

So people can’t help but be curious about you. And when you tell us a little bit about you, when you brave vulnerability and open up about your life and what these stories mean to you and how they impact you emotionally, people will feel compelled. Vulnerability is a strength. People will react to your courage to open up. 

For example, yesterday, one of the women is a domestic violence activist, and she said the topic of advocating for rural women in her country is important to her because her grandmother is from a rural area. So she feels connected. When she told me she feels connected with her grandmother while looking at me in the eye, I felt connected to her and to her story, and it was very powerful. It was very compelling.

So these are top three lessons that I shared.

Of course there are several other tips and tricks: don’t make wordy Powerpoint slides and then read from the Powerpoint instead of speaking to your audience. Make eye contact. Don't use filler words.

These are all very good, very fundamental public speaking tips, but at the heart of speaking to impact change, I think it’s important to connect with your why, connect with the fire within you. To not force-feed ideas into people to change their minds, because they won’t, but instead to guide them and make it easy for them to follow you so that they feel like they have arrived at that destination or a new point of view on their own. And finally, the best way to do that is to tell compelling, vivid stories. Don’t be afraid to open up and be vulnerable about what that is like for you.

These lessons can be applied to people who want to impact social change, people who want to advocate for themselves, people who just want to be more compelling leaders and tell better stories.

Traps of Perfectionism & Itty Bitty Shouldy Committee

In this episode we explore the trap of perfectionism and the voice of Itty Bitty Should-y Committee. 

You know this voice. It's the voice inside our heads that tell us to stay small, safe, and to not take that audacious risk. 

Then we break down communication into four parts, so that we can focus our energy and attention on the parts we can control and not worry over things not in our control.

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Transcript:

Today I want to talk to you about something I was struggling with just this morning: perfectionism. 

I tried to record this podcast episode about eight times. I’d start, and then I’d fumble a word or I would say something a little awkwardly, and then I would stop. Delete. Re-record. And then I’d try again. And then I’d lose my train of thought. And then I’d say something and I’m like, “Ugh, this is terrible, no one’s gonna listen to this.”  Stop. Delete. Re-record. It went on and on and on. I was struggling with my own perfectionism. 

And a lot of people do.

Especially the kinds of people that I work with who are people who want to be thought leaders, people who want to impact change in the world, people who want to leave a better world for the next generation.

Because we are so ambitious, sometimes we are held back by our desire to please, to be perfect, and to perform. 

Behind that desire is this fear that if you don’t impress the people who are watching you please, perform and perfect, that you won’t be accepted. That somehow, you won’t belong and that you won’t be worthy.

You hear that fear through the voice of the Itty Bitty Shouldy Committee. 

I call it the Itty Bitty Shouldy Committee because it tells you to stay itty bitty, and it tells you all the shoulds. You should be perfect. You should over-perform. You should take care of other people’s feelings. You should stay quiet if you don’t have the perfect answer. You should impress all the people.

If you listen to this voice, it holds you back. The reality is we all have a version of this voice. You might call it something else. You might give it a name like Hilda. You might call it The Saboteur. It’s the voice that tells you to stay safe, small, don’t take that risk. Don’t do that scary thing that can actually help you grow, that can actually help you thrive. 

You know what I’m talking about, right?

We’ve all heard it. “Who do you think you are? You’re gonna fail.”

It’s the voice that’s inside of us that is the most difficult, the most challenging to quiet down.

So how do we deal with this? I think it’s really helpful to recognize that when you communicate your brave ideas, or when you engage in that difficult conversation or negotiation, four different things are happening. And some of them you can control, and some of them you cannot control. So focus just only on the things you can control.

So, what are the four things?

First: What you mean.

What you desire to say, to express, to put out into the world. It’s inside you. It’s an internal experience. Does it make you feel good, or does it make you feel agitated? Only you can know, and only you can put those feelings or the desire inside you into words.

Second: What you say.

And what you say is an approximation, or a description of that internal experience. So, sometimes it’s not exactly the same as what you see or envision in your mind, but it’s how you best put it into words. So, it helps to say what you mean in very, very simple and clear terms so that you can be easily understood. 

Third: What people hear.

Are people always listening?

I think you know the answer. No. They’re not always listening. Even the people who are closest to us are not always listening.

People are distracted by visual information, people are distracted by their smartphones, by Twitter, etc. And you can’t control that. You simply can’t. And you can’t control the last part of this either.

Fourth: What they make it to mean.

How they interpret what they hear or parts of what they hear.

Take for example, I have this ongoing discussion with my life partner, and he’s taller than me. He’s got a deeper tone of voice, and even though he’s right next to me I sometimes struggle to hear what he says. I often, I frequently struggle to hear everything he says. And we’re always saying, “What did you say? What did you say?”

Even in small everyday conversations, you can see how the need to be heard, the need to be liked, the need to be approved of, or the trap of perfectionism can really put a relationship or communication at risk.

It’s because you can’t control what people hear or they don’t hear, but all you can control is how you express what you want to say. 

So how do we get rid of perfectionism?

I don’t think it’s possible.

It’s not possible to shut down that voice that says you should stay small and quiet and safe, but as long as we just focus our action and our words on what we can control: our thoughts, our behavior, and our words.

It’s because what other people think, what other people hear, what other people perceive is really none of our business. I can say one thing and people can hear a completely different thing and make it mean and start thinking about some completely unrelated thing, and I have no control over that. It’s not my business.

I’d like to end this with a quote by Tony Robbins. I read it this morning actually, as I was struggling with my own perfectionism and wanting to put out a perfect podcast episode.

“If your happiness requires other people to behave the way you want, then what are the chances you’re going to stay happy?”

Very slim, no? 

I’d like to rephrase this, since we’re talking about thriving.

If you’re thriving requires other people to behave, or to listen, or to approve and like you, what are the chances that you’re going to thrive? Very little.

So, put the ball back in your court. As Wayne Gretzky says, “You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”

Put yourself out there. Put your best foot forward. Step up. Say what you mean so that you can thrive on your own terms. 

3 Steps to Organizing a Winning Speech

Welcome to the Born to Thrive podcast with me, Jamie Lee - your host, coach, speaker and trainer. I am a negotiation and leadership coach dedicated to helping women become bolder, braver and better paid. 

Because public speaking is a key leadership skill, I present three steps for organizing a winning speech, especially for those who want to speak to advocate for social change.

The common pitfall advocating for change is that we get tempted to tell people what to do. In other words, we go straight into the call to action (Sign this petition! Give to this cause! Go here and do that!), without giving enough thought to what truly motivates people to take action. 

Remember that influence is the skill in having an indirect impact on people's internal motivation without controlling them.

In order to become an influential speaker whom people enjoy listening to, use the following three steps for organizing your message: 

1. Big Idea

Unusual or surprising way to grab the attention of the listener. Share your big idea in the intro and make it captivating. 

2. Premise

Proposition supported by evidence or stories to support your call to action. After each point, provide easy-to-follow summary for emphasis and clarity. As a general rule of thumb, it helps to have three points, because it's easy to follow and remember. 

3. Call to Action 

Drive your points home here. Inspire the audience to see your vision and take action to make it a reality. 

Listen to the full podcast episode here. 

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