Why Do We Suck at Advocating Our Value for Money?

But first a reality check: Is it true that women don't like to negotiate for ourselves?

And why do we still choose to believe that we suck at negotiating for money?

I look at my own career for answers and explanations. 

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But first a reality check: Is it true that women don't like to negotiate for ourselves?

Last week, I gave a keynote on the topic of negotiation for Women in Auto at the NY Auto Show.

Before I went on stage, organizer asked the audience, “How many of you enjoy negotiating?”

To her surprise, half the room raise their hands.

Some women do enjoy negotiating. In October 2017, Wall Street Journal reported that more women are asking for raises than before. Lean In published a similar report.

With Equal Pay Day around the block and the gender wage gap pressing on our minds, it may not seem that the tide is rising fast enough for women, but I believe the tide is changing. Slowly but surely.

Why do we still choose to believe that we suck at negotiating?

I don’t have to look too far for an answer.

When I look back on my own career, I see that I did once dread negotiating my salary.

Mostly because I had no idea...

• What it is (a conversation that leads to an agreement), 
• How to do it (like a human being engaging with another human being through language) and 
• Why I had to do it (because my career is mine to grow and develop, and getting paid my worth feels incredibly good, and when I feel good I do even better work) 

From my personal experience having bungled salary negotiation in epic style, I see that I was once under the spell of Tiara Syndrome.

Have you heard of the Tiara Syndrome?

It’s when you believe that if you just keep your head down and do really good work, some authority figure will come and place a tiara on your head.

You know, like in a fairy tale.

In this fairy tale, it would be unbecoming, or unladylike, to speak up, “ruffle feathers”, or “make waves.” Fairy tale princess (or prince) would never stoop so low to advocate for the value of her contributions.

I’ve certainly fallen under the spell of this Tiara Syndrome.

Early in my career, I once worked as a buyer for a fast growing beauty company. I came up with a plan that had the potential to save the company $100K.

I got to present this plan to the big shots in a boardroom. Everyone in the senior management team was there. After that I was on a high.

I thought, “This is it! This is how I’m going to be promoted and get a big raise. Things are made for me.”

So, I didn’t ask.

Because I thought someone was going to place a tiara on my head. Yes, I was that naive.

Can you guess what actually happened?

No promotion. No raise. Just a pat on the back. “Good job. Keep it up.”

Hey, but I get it. I relate to my clients who seek my help with this stuff. It IS uncomfortable to advocate for our value...especially for more money.

After all, we’re socialized to think that recognition for our value is supposed to come from OUTSIDE of us.

The tiara, the validation, the praise, and the money -- we think it's supposed to come from external forces, or figures to whom we assign power and authority.

Here’s the thing, though:

Owning our value, creating value, and advocating for our value -- it starts from WITHIN us.

It starts with YOU being kind to you.

It starts with YOU investing in your growth.

It starts with YOU honoring what feels good from the inside.

It starts with YOU dreaming of what is possible from that feel-good place.

It starts with YOU creating solutions in your mind that helps other people, and THAT, my friends, is the definition of value that results in money.

Value that generates money is in creating solutions that benefits others.

So how do we get the gumption and the guts to negotiate for money?

Tactically, don't give a range if you want to get something in the middle. The bottom number in your range will become your starting number.

Not because employers are evil, but because it's in there interest to retain the best talent for as little money as possible.

Find your target number, go a step or two higher and anchor there. If you'd be happy with $100K, then ask for $120K. If you want $150K, then ask for $175K.

After all, you'll only be negotiated down from there.

But most importantly, focus first on value, not money.

If you create value for other people, money will follow.

I once heard that it was extremely hard to keep Mother Teresa and Ghandi poor because they generated tremendous value for other people even though they committed their lives to live in poverty.

So to become a powerful negotiator, create value. Create solutions that help others and own your value.

Don't apologize for being awesome. State your unique value. 

Know your target, anchor high, and make your ambitious ask for more money. 

Because if you're creating value in the world, money will follow, like a magnet. 

Interview with Minda Harts: Advancing the Next Generation of Women of Color

My special guest Minda Harts is a social impact entrepreneur and founder of My Weekly Memo, a digital career education platform. Her mission is to advance the next generation of women of color. 

In this quick interview, she drops negotiation and leadership wisdom and shares how she successfully negotiated a $30K salary increase. 

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Here are some highlights: 

Know Your BATNA

BATNA stands for Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement. It refers to the next best option that's available to you, should the negotiation you're in fail to reach an agreement. 

In the interview, Minda shares how having a strong BATNA helped her make a career decision that led to $30K increase in salary and bigger title. 

Advocate for Yourself, Lead Others

Negotiating and leading go hand in hand. Whether you're negotiating your salary or negotiating a contract, developing your negotiation skills is a lifelong process, and these skills are part of your leadership skills. 

Advocating for yourself - whether for money, places or things - that's leadership.

If you lead, you also have to advocate for others on your team. But first you'll have to learn how to advocate for yourself, so you can do it for others that you lead.

Negotiation Advice for Women of Color 

The gender wage gap is more severe for Latinas and black women. As a leader who advocates for women of color, Minda says that the best advice is to start asking. 

No one's going to tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey girl, I heard there's a wage gap. Let me give you some more money to fill it." 

If you don't ask, then it's always a no, and the wage gap will only widen. Minda says she advises other women of color, "Even if you shake through that ask, make the ask." 

Don't Wait Until the Annual Review

There's no need to wait until the annual review to advocate for the value you bring or to make the ask. 

There is no magical time to advocate for your value. 

In fact, Minda says, you make your ask whenever and set it up for success by consistently highlighting the value you bring throughout the year. 

Check out the Weekly Memo here. 

Overcoming the Fear: She Brags Too Much

“But I don’t want them to think I’m bragging.” I hear this a LOT as a negotiation coach for women.

In this episode, I share concrete tips for overcoming the fear of judgment that holds us back from speaking up, advocating for our value and confidently negotiating for what we want.

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Transcript:

Here's a question I often ask my clients who are challenged with advocating for their value, with negotiating at work, and with stepping up and speaking out for what they want. 

That question is, "What will you do if you weren't afraid of what other people think?" 

This is in response to the fear that says, "They will think I'm bragging, that I'm being too aggressive by promoting myself." 

This, my friends, is a battle of identity. 

Identity is a vulnerable thing. It changes constantly, who you are, how you see yourself, how you frame your identity, how you express that identity. It changes every day, sometimes by moment. And I think that's a beautiful thing. 

It's a battle of identity because if you are giving into that fear, "What will people think?" you're listening to the Itty Bitty Shouldy Committee (discussed in episode three). It's the voice that tells you to stay quiet, stay small, and stay safe.

It says, "Don't take that risk."

It asks, "Who do you think you are?" 

It warns, "People will judge you. Don't take that risk. Don't grow. Don't thrive." 

We sometimes mistake this voice as our identity. We think this is us. The danger here is that we become victims of our story. 

I remember vividly how when I worked as a manager, I would always blame other people. My life was miserable because of my manager. My life was miserable because things were unjust. 

The questions in my head were, "When will they fix this? When will things get better? When will the other shoe drop? Why does this always happen to me?" All questions of victimhood. 

The trap is in mistaking our identity with the story whispered in our heads by the Itty Bitty Shouldy Committee, and this happens subconsciously. It gets comfortable thinking like this. It gets comfortable and familiar being in the place of victimhood, anger, shame and blame. 

It's kind of like having an old pair of jeans that you absolutely love but you've been wearing them for years and years. They're long past their expiration date, but you keep wearing them because you're a creature of habit and they're so comfortable. 

To step into a new pair of jeans, to go out there and to buy a new pair of jeans is...oh my gosh, so much hassle, right? 

It's kind of like stepping into a new identity. I'm speaking as someone who has a tendency to wear jeans long past their expiration date, so for me, stepping into a new pair of jeans can feel like..."Ugh, do I have to?"

Reluctance. 

I hear that reluctance in the voices of my clients who think, "Oh, I can't advocate for myself. I can't brag. It's not nice. It's not ladylike." 

Why not you?

Why not you in those fancy, trendy, stylish pair of jeans that's going to make you look good AND feel good about yourself? 

Yes, it's a risk to promote yourself.

Yes, it's a hassle to step out into the world in a new identity.

The new identity as someone who is bold, who is brave, who does step up, who does speak out, who cares a little less about what other people think, who cares a little more about making her dream a reality, about making her future self happy, and about investing in the growth of her career. 

It's not unlike stepping into a new pair of jeans and feeling a little vulnerable, wondering, "What will people think?" 

So to combat this, I have three concrete tips for you. 

1. Try self-promotion with a small group of supportive friends.

In the lady network called Get Bullish (Bullish women are ambitious feminists) founded by Jen Dziura, she promotes the culture of bragging.

She's encouraging women to grow our bragging muscles, so we can own our success and not be ashamed sharing with the world what we have accomplished. We should be proud, and we should be telling people, so that people do know our value and pay us accordingly. 

Find your own network if you're not part of the Bullish Network. And give each other permission to brag shamelessly. 

It's like showing off your new jeans to a small group of friends before stepping out for a big party. 

2. Let people know that you're trying this out. 

To be more specific, you can say, "I'm trying this new thing, where I'm more forthcoming about my accomplishments. What I have accomplished are...X, Y and Z." 

In other words, open with vulnerability. 

3. Be compassionate with yourself. 

The old jeans or the old identity served you well so far, but it's time to step into the new you. 

Don't be afraid of letting go of old, comfortable habits. Be brave and speak up. It's a bit like stepping into new jeans, because it's about exploring a new you. You are always growing into a new you, a version of you that thrives. 

Salary Negotiation FAQs

In the second episode of Born to Thrive, I address three most frequently asked questions that I get as a negotiation coach for women.

1. Who goes first in giving a number (you!)

2. What if my employer questions your loyalty? (They don’t pay for your emotional labor)

3. How do you respond to a lowball offer? (I offer a script for responding to this in this podcast).

Enjoy!

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Transcript:

On International Women's Day, I'd like to answer three most frequently asked questions I get as a negotiation coach for women. Earlier this week I got to speak about workplace culture and negotiation at The Wing, the only co-working space dedicated to women. I notice that I get asked these three questions over and over again. 

First, who goes first? 

I've been teaching and studying negotiation for over five years, and I notice that the person who anchors first, the person who tells the other side what they want first almost always has the negotiation tip towards her favor. 

Anchoring simply means you tell them what you want. Anchoring is a powerful cognitive bias. Once you drop an anchor, the conversation will tip towards your favor -- IF your anchor is reasonably ambitious. For example, asking for $500K when the going rate is $250K is unreasonable. But if you find out that the going rate for your role is $150K, then ask for $150K. 

• Do online research to find the going market rate for your role.
• Ask your network what they're making. National Labor Relations Act protects your right to ask your colleagues about their pay, even if your employer frowns on this. So be tactful. 
• If you're a woman who feels she's underpaid, ask men in similar roles what they're making.
• Several women I've talked to have often found out that their male predecessors made around $10K-$20K more in the same role! 

Second, what if your employer questions your loyalty if you ask for more money? 

Remember that your employer does not pay you for your loyalty. This is especially true if you work under "At Will" contract.

Loyalty is emotional labor. You don't get paid for your emotional labor. You get a salary for the benefit, or the value of your contributions. 

Your contributions may add to the bottom line or to prestige to the company, or help retain paying customers. For example, if you work in customer service, the end benefit of your work may be improved customer satisfaction which leads to improved customer retention. Existing customers are paying customers which means more revenue. 

So don't worry about emotional labor; focus on your value. 

Third, what if you get a lowball offer? 

So what if you got a job offer but didn't want to anchor because you were afraid to make a mistake? What if you're making $65K and got an offer for $58K? How should you respond? 

Here's my suggested script:

"This is a great place to start. I appreciate the offer and I'm looking forward to working towards the mission of your group. The thing is, I'm currently making more than the offer. So if you can increase the offer to $70K, that would help me make this decision sooner rather than later."